相手のプロフィールについての話題を振る
例えば相手の趣味が映画鑑賞だったら
「最近どんな映画観ましたか？私は～を観て感動したんですよ！」
特に趣味について書かれてないなら
「～にお住まいなんですね。～と言えば新宿に良く遊びに行くんですか？」
とにかく自分のことについて聞かれると、注目度はかなりアップします
- by
- at 2006年02月07日
例えば相手の趣味が映画鑑賞だったら
「最近どんな映画観ましたか？私は～を観て感動したんですよ！」
特に趣味について書かれてないなら
「～にお住まいなんですね。～と言えば新宿に良く遊びに行くんですか？」
とにかく自分のことについて聞かれると、注目度はかなりアップします
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There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
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In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
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DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
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I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
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Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
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Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
I am not young enough to know everything.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
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Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
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A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?